Are/Were Mike Johnson And His Teenage Son Each Other’s No-Pornin’ Cops? Because That’s Weird.

There is a lot of talk right now about AI and deep fakes, so let us be clear, we WANT to believe that this clip of new Speaker Mike Johnson talking about being accountability partners with his teenage son using the anti-masturbation software Covenant Eyes is fake/doctored/scary Hallowe’en hallucination.

But we don’t think it is.

Watch this clip posted by Twitter user Receipt Maven — who’s been digging up a lot of receipts on Johnson — of the new speaker discussing this product he says his household has been using for many years, Covenant Eyes. (UPDATE: The clip comes from this long-ass two-hour conference uploaded by the Cypress Baptist Church in Benton, Louisiana, where Mr. Creepo lives. He is Southern Baptist, so reckon this is his church.)

In the clip, Johnson says some technology is great, like Bible apps. But some technology is EEEEEVIL.

He says, “Covenant Eyes is the software that we’ve been usin’ a long time in our household.” He says he learned about it at Promise Keepers. (Fucking weirdo.) He explains that it’s “accountability software” that men can use, and also teenage boys.

“You might want to think about doing this with your sons, so we’ve been doing that.”

What it does is it scans all your digital devices to make sure you’re not furiously jacking off to porn every time you get in bed or at stoplights or during the commercials while watching “Seventh Heaven” reruns. And it sends a report card every week to your “accountability partner” — big thing in evangelical circles, having “accountability partners” — to tell them how much of a godly hands-free no-porner you’ve been that week.

If you watch something dirty, Johnson says it notifies your accountability partner immediately.

And his accountability partner, at least at the time of this video, was his son Jack, aged 17.

“I’m proud to tell you my son, he’s got a clean slate!” said Johnson.

The video must have been last year or so, because according to correct fact emporium The Daily Mail, Jack is now 18.

To underline, Johnson is saying that he and his teenage son get/got report cards each week to tell them, in essence, that father and son, respectively, had allegedly not been masturbating, at least not while watching digital boobyknocker weener programs.

To underline and italicize, Johnson is saying that his teenage son gets/got a weekly report card that said “DAD HAS COMPLETED ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL NO WHACKIN’ WEEK.”

(Can you imagine being 17 and getting an urgent alert and having to be like “Sorry guys! Gotta go! Dad’s fallen off the whackwagon! UH-GAIN!”)

To put it in bold print and all caps and some italics too, why not: THAT’S FUCKING WEIRD.

Fundamentalist Christians are fucking weird.

Normal people find these people fucking weird.

Please continue to meet Speaker Mike Johnson, America!

To understand Covenant Eyes — not to be confused with Covenant Marriage, which is what Mike Johnson has with his wife — remember that fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals first and foremost need protection from themselves. Understanding this helps explain so much about them. (See: any argument where one of them suggests that without holy direction from God, how would people know not to rape or murder?)

This is why “porn addiction” is mostly something that populates support groups in the basements of evangelical churches. Likewise, if you’ve ever been to a fundamentalist or evangelical Bible study, and they’ve taken prayer requests, whenever somebody said they had an “unspoken” prayer request, in all likelihood what they meant was that they CANNOT! STOP! MASTURBATING!

Everything these people do, everything they obsessively try to ban, they do in part because they fear that they personally are susceptible to all the devil’s wicked temptations, that literally anything could take them (or their husbands) off the path of the straight and narrow.

For a lot of them it’s gay stuff. Why do so many deeply socially conservative, outwardly anti-LGBTQ+ men get caught with their pants down in gay scandals? Oh golly, correlation does not always equal causation, but sometimes it do!

For a lot of them it’s just that they’ve been raised to believe all sex is inherently shameful, even the P-in-V traditional married kind if you enjoy it too much, and so therefore porn is forbidden fruit full of delicious cocaine.

Out in the normal world, sex and porn are things that exist, that consenting adults can explore or not explore as they choose. Some people are gay, some are straight, some are bisexual, some are just fun!

All healthy, normal interaction with these things is cut off for these people.

Thus, Covenant Eyes. Here are pictures from their website of two men, purportedly “experienc[ing] victory over porn.”

Is the “better life” that they are a gay couple and now they just fuck each other?

We are just asking.

“Never fight alone,” it explains at the bottom of the homepage. “Together is better.”


Of course, it should be noted that you can totally get around Covenant Eyes.

Josh Duggar did.

The end.


Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 


@evanjosephhurst on Threads!

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